The Gifts of the Failed Friendship--Fast Day 1

So as I said, my plan for the next few weeks is to really spend time thinking about those people for whom I am thankful and I am going to write them letters.  Whether I send them to some of these people or not is up in the air, but I am going to write them, and I am going to share my realizations here.

Yesterday, my thoughts really centered around my failed friendship with T.  I think that he came up first because he was what I had been thinking about most in the days of depression leading up to my decision to do this Lenten fast.  What I realized during my ruminations yesterday, was that while I think our friendship is well and truly over, and at this point I don't think I could trust him again, I do not carry with me a lot of the feelings associated with all the negatives of our relationship.  In fact, most of those negatives were huge teaching moments for me.  I learned a lot about myself and in looking back on it, a lot of what I need/want for a relationship to be sustainable.

Lessons learned with T:

• A broken heart doesn't have to be met with anger.  Just because I am hurting doesn't mean I need or even want to hurt the person who hurt me.  The second or third time my heart breaks over the same person because of their rage doesn't have to illicit my feeling like I need to hurt them back.  I can love someone even through a broken heart.
• I can be patient, I can be understanding, I can put up with a lot of over reaction, but I do have a point where my patience and understanding run out.  At that point, the desire to smack someone silly and call them stupid takes over and it takes a lot for me reign that back in.  The time of my breaking point is now known and I am learning to better control it. 
• I realize that T loved me in his way.  His way wasn't good enough to counter the negatives in the relationship.  The failure of the relationship doesn't mean that there wasn't love, just that we couldn't sustain a friendship on it.
• I learned that I don't want someone who is dependent on me or who needs me and my validation.  I want friendships with people who want friendships with me because they are interested in what I am doing/learning/experiencing.
• I want friendship that involve conversation and discussion.  I don't have to agree with my friends or they with me, but communication has to be discussion not argument.
• I learned that I am happier when I don't depend on someone else for validation.  Outside validation is nice, but I am more confident when I don't need that validation.
• I learned that I don't want to wear a mask, I don't want to pretend for someone else, I want to be cared about and honored for who I am.
• I learned that I get a choice in whether I allow anger, hurt, pride, etc to control my interactions with others.  I can choose to respond rather than react.
• I learned that it takes two people willing to work together to restore a broken relationship.  It takes two people willing to listen, support and be fully invested in the restoration of the relationship.  One person alone is not enough to do the work necessary.
• I learned that I can only heal me.  No matter how much support and love I offer, I cannot heal someone else, or make them heal themselves.

I am thankful for all these life lessons that have helped me move to the place I am now.  These lessons have helped me become a better me.  And for that I am truly thankful.

I am also thankful for the fact that he was there as  friend when I thought I needed someone who needed me.  I am thankful that T was someone I could talk to and share with as I was beginning to remove my mask.  I am thankful that T was available to go see movies and concerts.  I am thankful that I had a couple years of strong friendship before the negative stuff came to pass.  I am thankful for both the good and the bad times in our friendship.

Sometimes it is valuable to have a friend who listens without comment or input.  Sometimes one needs a brickwall.  Unfortunately, that kind of friendship just can't sustain forever, especially once the trust is broken.  So thank you T, for being that brickwall when I had a million things to say and just wanted to say them.

T, (though you may never read this) I am grateful for our friendship, I am grateful for the lessons you taught me and I am thankful for the good times we had.  I hope that your future is filled with the abundance and joy you deserve.

A broken friendship doesn't have to be a point of failure in my life.  I can choose to look at all the negatives; the guilt of having to remove someone you love and who loves you from your life, the guilt of hurting them yet again, the feelings of abuse that came from staying in the relationship, the knowledge that you can't trust your friend, the anger and the tears.  Or I can choose to look at all the positive things I gained from that friendship.  I wouldn't be who I am today with T in my life.  I don't know if he was the catalyst for the change in my life, or if he was just there as part of the change, perhaps it is a little of both and not really either.  But without him I would not be where I am now.  So for me, holding on to all the pain seems like just another way of keeping myself from fully being me.

I am thankful for the gifts of the failed friendship.