Lent Fast 2013

A few weeks ago, I realized I had begun suffering from a feeling of depression.  One about as dark as my "new" self has gotten since I had been in relatively intense therapy.  And I spent some time really trying to learn the lessons of my depression.  During the course of that depression, I had decided that I was going to forgo the Lent Fast this year, I bike a lot during the day and that expends a lot of calories and energy and I didn't want to feel faint or gross.  My schedule is so wonky that I didn't want to mess with adding in altering my eating schedule, and a million other excuses.

Then, came the Quaker Meeting of the Epiphany (as I have so lovingly titled it).  Thanks to my husband, I actually took the time to really process the depression I was feeling and several epiphanies came up for me.

1.  I need a spiritual counselor.  Someone to keep me honest with myself in my spiritual work.  Much like school and therapy, I need assignments and someone to talk to about what is going and what I am learning.  I cannot do this alone.  So I need to find a spiritual counselor.  That, is done.

2.  It is wonderful when friends and loved ones call/text/email you and let you know that they are thinking of you.  It is great when someone reaches out to ask you to chat or to communicate.  It is a great feeling to have someone show you how important you are to them by making the effort to communicate.  And it is so frustrating when it seems like you are the one having to make all the effort.  There is a kind of sadness that comes out when I feel like I have to do all the work to maintain communication in a friendship.  I want to feel like people want to talk to me.  And here is where my epiphany came along.  My friends are happy to talk to me, and when I make the effort to communicate with them, they are clearly happy to hear from me and to communicate.  I can choose to look at their lack of reaching out as some sort of personal attack against me, or I can choose to enjoy their obvious joy at hearing from me.  I am going to choose to enjoy the joy.

3.  I need to let go of the relationships that are dragging me down.  If I am spending time worrying about how upset someone is with me or feeling completely tired and drained after talking with someone then I need to really examine how serious a friendship it is and whether or not it is worth my time and energy.  If it isn't, the humane thing to do is be honest about it to both me and the person I am in the relationship with.

4.  I need to let people know how thankful I am that they made an impact in my life.  I feel like one of the major problems in the world today is that we are so caught up in what is best for us, that we often forget to show gratitude to the people who helped get us where we are.  So it is time for me to be thankful.

5.  I want a home that reflects my spirituality.  I don't mean that I am going to change the decor completely, or that I am going to plaster bible verses all over the house, but I am going to be more conscientious in my choices, I am going to stop "hiding" my alter, I am going to let my spiritual self be free. 

6.  I must learn to let people love me how they love me, and I must allow myself to love others how I love.  It is okay if the love that they offer is not enough to make the relationship worth pursuing, it doesn't change that they love me, it just means that, that love isn't enough to forge/maintain a friendship.

So what does this mean?  It means that I have a lot to think about during this season of Lent.  It means that I have a lot of work to do.  In order to follow through, I need to remind myself that I do have the willpower and the strength to follow through on all my epiphanies.  That is what happens during the Lenten Fast.  The daylight fast is a reminder of my willpower.  It is a reminder that I have strength.  It is a reminder that I can accomplish my goals even if it is a day to day struggle.

The rules are simple.  Each day I will choose a person to thank, to love and to honor the love they showed me.  It will be a day where I decide the role of that person in my life in the now.  It will be a day where I focus on the good, the positive, and the bright and from there decide if there is enough light to counter any darkness.  I will honor God within me, within that person and within the world around me.  I will do my best to fill my time with things that advance my education, my career, my spiritual journey and my happiness, allowing those things that are draining me go.

Today is the first day of the fast.  The first day of my 40 day cycle.  The first day of renewing me.