This is me, a little more than 3 years ago. When I look at this picture, I know that behind those eyes is a soul in torment. I was lying to myself about who I was, what I was, who I needed to be. Behind those eyes is severe depression, severe anxiety, sleepless nights, negativity, self-loathing that was like a bottomless pit.
I think that some of the people who have known me through the last couple of years, can look at this picture and see all of that pain. They can see through the mask. Perhaps some of them did at the time too. I don't know. Since 2 of my counselors didn't see through the mask (one of them was extremely crappy and I didn't actually take the mask off for her), and my husband didn't see just how desperate things had gotten, I have trouble accepting that others could see the depth of my depression. Though I do think that hindsight is 20/20 and most certainly if you look back at me 3 years ago, you can see the signs now that you know what to look for.
Anyway, that is kind of off topic. Less than a year after this picture was taken, I started therapy and was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. I was told that it was bad enough that I could get medication. I told my therapist that I didn't want it.
A year and half or so after my therapy started a friend of mine asked me why I didn't take the drugs. I told him that I didn't think that my problem was genetically chemical. My problem was emotional, and I felt like I needed to face the darkness I had created. I needed the honesty of facing my emotions.
I have a lot of respect for people who treat depression and anxiety with medication, but it was not the choice for me. Please do not read my story as an expression of me feeling like I have some sort of leg up because I didn't take the drugs. I didn't take them because the reason for my depression and my anxiety had been avoidance. I realized that for me, taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication would be a way for me to continue the avoidance. Had I taken them, I wouldn't have healed because I would have been able to tell myself that since all the symptoms of my dark and twisty emotions were no longer bothersome, the thoughts causing them must not still be there.
For many, I believe the dark and twisty feelings are not something that they can help, it is brought on by genetics, chemical alterations in the brain due to any number of factors including pregnancy. If I believed that my dark and twisty were that, I would have taken the medication.
I have spent the last 2+ years breaking down all the reasons for my mask and trying to rebuild my life without it.
Sometimes I can feel myself putting the mask back on. Not the mask I had, this mask is more transparent. But it doesn't stay on for long. Just long enough for me to work through the voices in my head and laying on my heart.
As Ram Dass says, I have put the Do Not Disturb sign on the door because my neuroses have come to call and we need a private moment alone.
I know now, that they don't stay forever, and after our time together, I do often feel much more in control of my life.
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