The gift of the Therapist

Like most stories, mine is a complicated one, it has ups and downs and corkscrews.  In a way I think we all live on a roller coaster.  And I think sometimes it would be helpful if we all lived on the same one.

Several years ago, I experienced what my spiritual mentors call a dark night of the soul.  It left me ready to get help and figure my way out of the hold I had dug for myself.  So I called up one of my doctors and asked for a recommendation for a good therapist.  He game me a couple names and I started making phone calls.  I made an appointment and got started working with H.

H is not a friend and our relationship is extremely unbalanced.  I do all of the talking.  She helps me wade through the stuff that is in my brain, but when I sit down on the couch in her office, I start going and very rarely is there a break in the stream of consciousness I word vomit to her.

She does for me what none of my friends or family can do for me, she listens to my story without converting it to her truth.  She listens to my truth and will then prompt me to think about my truth without projecting another truth onto the story.

This is not a slam against my friends or my family, it's just that people who have a history with someone tend toward making assumptions about how things are going to be because they "know" me and have had experience with me in this way or that.  H has no history other than what I tell her so she accepts my truth as the version of what happened from my perspective and believing that I know what I was feeling as it was happening rather than making the assumption of what I was feeling based on previous experience.  It is hard to establish growth and change with someone who is certain of how you see the world (and no this is not directed at anyone in particular).

Over the last several years, H has given me many gifts.  I am grateful that she created a safe environment for me in which I could take a long and honest look at myself and my truth and proceed to change it at my pace.  I am grateful that the safe space included a lack of judgment in those times when I was absolutely honest about my own mistakes and failings.

I am grateful for her lessons in taking and owning responsibility for my actions and in addition the lessons that involve leaving the responsibility for others actions to them.  Meaning that I can own my own mistakes without having to validate the mistakes of others.

I am grateful for her support of my growth and the exercises and work she had me do to ensure that I continued to grow.

I am grateful for the work we did on communication, honesty within myself and openness.

I am grateful for the fact that I am now confident enough in myself to be able to look at someone who just told me that I am a terrible tutor and say, "I am sorry you feel that way.  I understand that you want someone who will do the homework for you, but I just don't feel like that will help you in the long run." and while I feel badly for that student because she has put up a block to her own learning,  I do not feel like I have to defend myself.

It is hard admitting that I needed help to heal the rage and hurt that coursed through me, but I did and I am thankful to H for being there to guide that process.