Ash Wednesday is coming up. It is time to begin preparing for the 40 day fast. I have loved the experience of the last two years and doing the fast, but this year, it has become a struggle. I both really want and really don't want to do it.
I will start with the not wanting to do it. The fast often brings up for me things that need to change. Mistakes for which I need to atone, and thoughts on the spiritual life I really want to live. It brings up fear. Generally speaking, this is not a big deal, but this year, so much in my life has changed and one of those changes is that I realized that my previous spiritual practice wasn't working out. I haven't found a replacement. I have returned to church, but I have not found a daily practice that has helped me.
I find my depression returning. It is not the same as the depression before, but it is the lurking at the edges. I believe that I have seasonal affective disorder, but I also think that my lack of spiritual practice is coming up to haunt me. I fear that I will break the fast and force myself to feel worse about myself.
My truth is that spiritually speaking, I need a community. I am starting to build that in the Quaker church, but I am still afraid of joining with them completely. I miss the power of ritual. And while I love my personal rituals, there is something special about ritual with your community. I want a spiritual community that will do ritual with me.
This fast will be about facing my fears. It will be about owning and taking responsibility for my spiritual life, it will be an exploration of my deepest desires. And I need to do the fast.
Be prepared friends, this one may be a doozey.
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