Fast Days 14, 15--Hello, good to see you. Won't you have some tea?

Yesterday I felt off.  I couldn't figure it out.  A little dizzy.  A little weird, but not hungry.  By the end of the day I was so wiped out I almost couldn't function.  J was off too, he was having serious stomach trouble.  I guess we were sick.  But I couldn't focus enough yesterday to write about the day before.  I am not sure what today will bring, but I woke up feeling fine.  Anyway, onto bigger and brighter things.

Ram Dass, in a presentation on compassion, says that even though he lives a deeply spiritual life and feels in many ways like he has reached a level of self-awareness and understanding, he still has his neuroses.  He doesn't go into what they are, but he can laugh about it now.  He says that more often than not, he doesn't recognize them until they have already made their way in, but once he does realize that his insecurities have entered his mind, he takes a breath and says, "Hello, good to see you.  Won't you have some tea?"

I look back to where I was 2 years ago.  I see who I was then, my insecurity, my misery, the walls built up to prevent anyone from really seeing me.  My neuroses in full swing, controlling every aspect of my life.  I can see the cracks in the walls, I can see the perfect storm brewing in the back ground.  These are the moments when I wish I could just hook a device up to my head and get the image I have in my head on paper...ah well.  When the storm hit, I wasn't surprised and in a way I was ready.  It needed to happen.

Over the last two years I have identified my neuroses, traced them back to the source and started changing the system of belief that allowed me to have them.  The voices in my head that once called me worthless, stupid, weird, freak, etc. stopped being the cacophony of voices that I once attributed to others, and now exists as a single voice, mine.  I don't need anyone else to tell me who I am, I know.  When someone unfairly accuses me of something, I know the truth.  I don't need them to support my decision to be me.  My new system of belief has started to take root.

My critical voice still comes out sometimes.  I still hear her loudly speaking and sometimes much less loudly.  And while I haven't reached the point that Ram Dass has, I am getting better about seeing my neuroses and saying, "Hey.  You haven't shown up in a few days.  Whatcha doing back in town?"

I have a million thoughts running through my head with this, things I want to say, but honestly it doesn't all make sense to me.  So I am not sure if it is best to just free associate and write it all out, or if it is just time to let this post end...even if it is short and kind of pointless.  I think I choose the latter.