Fast day 16--Gratitude

"I don't want to see you as you are."  The words stung, but didn't cut.  It wasn't unexpected.  I had known for sometime that the impending failure of the friendship was because I refused to be the person he wanted me to be.

My first thought, "Finally.  Now we are getting somewhere."  What I said was, "I hope you are just being petulant, because that is the end all for any relationship I am in."

For a long time, I tried to be the person I thought every one wanted me to be.  The me at home was different from the me at work which was different from the me at my parents.  There were underlying similarities, but in the end, I was withdrawn, rarely said what I actually thought.  I was observant and intuitive, but rarely said anything that might be seen as counter productive.  If someone commented that my laugh was too loud, I stopped laughing.  If someone said I looked silly, I stopped being silly.  If someone (besides my sisters) called me weird, I tried to be more normal.  I spent a lot of time trying to be the perfect image of what I thought the world around me wanted.  What I discovered was that eventually, I swallowed so much of myself that I ended up bursting.

Seeing a therapist, learning to find the root of the voices that spoke to me, replacing those voices with a better one all brought me to the point where I realized that there are parts of who I am that are just me.  I am comfortable with who I am.  I like my silly sense of humor, my slightly insane OCD in relating to dirt under my fingernails, my comfortableness with the irrational, my understanding of the rational, my comfort level with my own sexuality.

As I have discovered that I am okay with me, I find that I don't need someone else to validate me.  I don't need everyone on the planet to like me.  I don't need people to tell me I am smart, or interesting, or cool.  I want people to like me and think I am a decent person, but I don't need everyone to like me and make me feel good.

I have found that some people will like me just fine.  And I will attract them to me because I have something that they are looking for in a friend.  I might not have a million friends, but I really don't want that.  I will attract those people who connect with me.

I have also found that I am okay with letting go of relationships with the people that don't connect.  If for whatever reason we don't mesh, I'm okay with that.  I am me and I am imperfect, thus there will be some people for whom I am just not the kind of friend they need in their life.  Okay.

This is new for me.  Before all the work I have done to heal me, I would be in tears over the statement that my friend made.  I would be doing my best to figure out how to be that person he had wanted me to be.  And that would just be one more chink in the unhealthy relationship that we have built.  One more thing that would eventually bring our friendship not only to the breaking point, but to the point where we hated and resented each other so much that there was no point of return.

This healthy me, doesn't want to lose the friendship I have spent years building and rebuilding, but also realizes that I am happiest when I am being me.  And if who I am isn't what someone wants me to be, well, that someone, is really not someone I want in my life.  Hard?  Yes.  Will it hurt them?  Yes.  But no one has the right to ask me to be other than who I am, so that they can feel happier.

The discussion with the above friend went on for a while.  And in the end, I told him the decision was his.  I could be his friend, as I am and he could try to respect me as I am; or he could decide that I am not the person he wants to be friends with, but I will not change me so that he can feel more comfortable.  I am not a fantasy.  I am a real person and I deserve to be treated with respect.

So where in this is the gratitude?  I titled this post "Gratitude."  I have made changes in my life.  I am and at the same time am not the same girl I was 2 years ago as my world was falling apart around me.  The changes I have made in my life are not going to be easy for every one to accept, but interestingly the people I worried about most, seem to be on board with the me that I really am.  And for that, and them, I am grateful.  I wouldn't be on the road toward becoming a recovering narcissist without them.  Hugs to all of you.