Fast Day 9--Facing Death

Last night, I got the word that J's BIL has come out of remission.  This text book case of a bone marrow transplant gone right, was just temporary.  The Leukemia is back, and he has decided to stay home and receive chemo with no further treatment.  He wants to be at home.  The prognosis isn't good.  And we all knew this.  I think we all went to Houston hoping for the best outcome and fearing that it just wouldn't last.

It is also the case that my mom's oldest sister is starting to show the signs of deteriorating kidneys and heart.  The severe diabetes, the congestive heart failure have finally started catching up to her and I think we all see the signs of the end.

In both of these cases, the end could be months away.  Maybe even a few years.  And perhaps by some miracle they will both make it and get a clean bill of health.  Somehow I suspect that I need to prepare myself to face my own uncomfortableness with death.

No, I am not so self-centered that I believe that these potential deaths are life lessons for me.  But I do need to use them to face my own fears.  Not of my death, I am prepared to die.  But of the life that remains when death has passed through it.

I have watched as grief has sunk one of my aunts into a severe depression.  I have been nervous and uncomfortable in her presence.  Never knowing exactly what to say because I hate the standard platitudes of "I'm sorry for your loss."  Or "He's in a better place."  But what do you say to someone grieving the loss of a spouse, a sibling, a parent?  I don't know, and I feel tongue tied and lost for words.

We are coming up on the part of my seminary training where I am going to have to write a funeral.  And there is a part of me that wants to call N up and ask if I can create his.  I am so much better at creating these ceremonies if I have a basis on which to work.  But I don't want to seem morbid.  And ultimately I am afraid of talking to him about it.  I am afraid of making things worse for him.

I have to get over my uncomfortableness with other people's deaths.  I am going to be a minister.  I am going to have to deal with death.  And maybe the first step is admitting that I am uncomfortable with it.