Fast Day 13--Honesty

Yesterday, I was hungry.  I felt dizzy.  I wanted to eat.  And I held off until about a half hour before sundown, which is when I would have eaten anyway due to the kickboxing class I have on Monday nights.  It was a struggle, and one that made me very aware of the self-talk I was giving myself.  I could eat, I told myself, no one wants me to get sick.  I admitted from the beginning that I wouldn't put myself at risk, health wise for this fast.  So come on...go ahead.  EAT!!!  I didn't, but that voice did make me think about my own self talk.

Many great, spiritual masters, will tell you that they are still learning.  Many great spiritual teachers who have been called enlightened will tell you that they are not.

On the road one day, Jesus tells a man who asks him how to become enlightened, that the man needs to give up his family, sell all of his possessions and walk free in simplicity.  The man says that is too hard and walks away.

The only way to reach true enlightenment is to give up everything and trust God completely to fulfill all your needs.  The only way to truly understand God, is to free yourself from every attachment that you have and stay in a place of constant euphoria.  Alas, that just isn't possible.  I can't speak for all my readers, but I can speak for me.  I am human.  I have human attachment.  I want to be respected, heard, liked.  I want to have access to stuff.  I want to hold on to my memories.  I have boxes of stuff I can't get rid of, even though I haven't opened those boxes since we moved into our house 10 years ago, why?  I have an attachment to all that stuff.  I like new and shiny and bright.  I want to follow my dreams (which basically involve me packing it in as an engineer and move to Seneca Falls, NY for 5 years to do acupuncture and chiropractic school), but won't because of money and my attachment to having it.

Every guru, every minister, every person who has ever opened their eyes and see the nature of enlightenment is nothing more than human.  They all make mistakes.  No human can get around that.  There is no perfect being.  Sometimes, they say stupid things.  Sometimes they make stupid jokes.  Sometimes they mess up a calculation and screw up a bridge design and the whole thing collapses.

I am of the opinion, that the only spiritual teachers I want in my life are the ones who can be as honest with me about their failings as they are about their successes.

When I stood up to tell my spiritual journey in 3 minutes or less at the school retreat this summer, I was the 10th or 11th person to go.  But after me, the nature of the stories changed.  Prior to my telling of my journey, people talked of addiction, they talked of loss and grief, so it isn't as though I brought in the aspect of honestly looking at who or what I am.  I wasn't the first who took credit for my own failings and my own mistakes.  I was, however, the first to admit that I didn't always feel like a better person because of them.  I was the first to admit that I had actively chosen a life that wasn't mine because I wanted to please someone else.  I was the first to admit that I was still struggling with the questions, not just the answers.  I was the first to say that I had made my mistakes out of fear.  After that, a lot more people felt safe admitting to their own fears.

When I decided to follow through on the call to ministry, I decided that I had no choice but to be completely (if a little exaggeratedly) honest about my life.  I had a good life.  I had the American dream.  I wasn't exceptionally rich, but I owned a home, I can pay all my bills, I can cover all of my needs and most of my wants.  I am married to a great man, and I have two fantastic kids who make me laugh a little every day.  I am respected in my field and I have my license.  Yet, I was miserable.  I was beyond miserable.

Very few people knew it.  Either because I had a really great mask, or because they just didn't care to notice, perhaps both.  It isn't relevant.  The fact is that no one really knew and I felt like that was how it was supposed to be.  I couldn't follow my dreams because I have to make sure that everyone around me stays comfortable.  So when I broke, it was a shock to the people around me.

I don't have any answers.  I don't know what I will do when I complete my requirements for ordination.  I am not sure how it will go or what it will mean.  I am not sure what the next step will be.  But I will figure it out, and I will be honest about my successes and my failures.

Interestingly, I had assumed that taking the stance of completely honesty about myself would make me feel worse about myself than I already did.  I would have to admit to mistakes, and that would just mean I was a failure...right?  Wrong.  Being completely honest with myself has meant that I don't justify away my mistakes.  I am not constantly overthinking what I did wrong or what I could have done better or why someone else isn't seeing my perspective.  I am no longer living in a world plagued by what I could have done.  The decision to be honest, has me knowing what I am feeling and thinking at all times.  Sometimes i have to work through some stuff to get to the real crux of it, but ultimately, I am aware of what and why I am thinking about the things that run through my head.  Interestingly, not only am I able to admit my mistakes, this honesty is letting me admit my successes too.