Fast Day 2---Soul Starved

I get back to KY, and the first thing I have to do is download the lectures from my class and listen to them.  I make it through the first session and I have to say I am impressed with the worship service I worked on.  But as of that point in time, there is still no discussion of who will be giving the sermon next month.  I have asked to give a sermon, and said I will be in town next month, but no on has said anything, no one has let me know that my email has even been acknowledged.  I have to say I sort of thought that a schedule might have been arranged already, but nothing.  This is frustrating.

There were some interesting questions posed though.  The first is that we are asked to identify what keeps us balanced?  How do we stay focused in a world of change?

Next we are to journal daily about the message our divine self is giving us.

Those were asked by the faculty.  And during this time of fasting, I think they are the questions I will be asking myself daily.  Perhaps part of my focus for the fast.

One of my fellow students presented his healing ritual, and presented it in a form of healing for feelings of failed career goals or better, the statement of career aspirations.  He asked us to write about what we wanted to accomplish in our career.

I am going to address all three of these as best I can, starting with the career goals.  When he asked us to meditate on our career goals I expected myself to focus on how to get through the career I am currently in during the time I am educating myself for something different.  Something that won't actually get me a job anywhere as there are no letters after my name, but something I want to do none the less.  What I found was that my focus could never grasp that.  I wrote that I wanted to run meditation classes (good idea for someone who has no formal training in meditation) and yogic healing.  I wanted to run interfaith discussions and give people a chance to voice their beliefs without judgment.  All great ideas except that I have no basis for making any of that happen.  Can you tell I am finding myself discouraged?

How do I stay focused in a world of change?  I find that I can't.  I do a very bad job of maintaining my balance.  At least I have lately.  I am more and more dissatisfied with my job.  I find myself fantasizing about ways I can get out of my current career.  These fantasies are often extremely grandiose and involve things that will not ever happen for many various reasons.  And I find myself constantly putting myself down and making myself miserable.  I find that I am far less angry than I was before, I am better about refocusing myself and finding the good, so that the misery isn't lasting, but I can't help but think that all I am doing is wasting time and money going to seminary.  And that I just need to suck it up and make do being an engineer in a field that wasn't ever really mine.

This morning I paused to listen to my inner self. I listened for a message.  And while I got the reassuring words of you are doing the right thing, I still feel like screaming. 

One of the women in the group for the worship team did a ritual that involved us going out and picking up a rock, keeping it near, taking it with us, carrying it around until we were ready to face whatever it is that is causing us discomfort.  Obviously I wasn't at the class, I only listened to it.  Perhaps today at lunch, even in the rain, I will go out and look for my rock.