Oh, Hello Walls

A couple if years ago...I guess three now, all the walls I had built around myself came tumbling down. Years of hurt feelings and resentment came tumbling out to be faced and dealt with. I healed many, many years of unnecessary pain.

Yesterday, I talked a bit about my passions (in a very confusing stream of consciousness way). I decided that it was time to follow through on one of my passions. So, I downloaded and app to my iPad and I am writing one of the books that I have bouncing around in my head. This one will probably never be for public consumption, but it is one I need to write for me. After it is out, perhaps there will be others.

Anyway, as I am writing this book, I am looking back and remembering that very painful time in my life where I had no defenses left. As painful as that period of time was, it was also the on,y time in my life when I remember feeling that free.

I told myself that I was going to keep the walls down. I wasn't going to rebuild them. Honesty was going to be my new way of life and I was going to make sure that I stopped lying to myself and those around me about how I felt and what was going on in my brain. I was going to use words and talk about things.

For awhile that worked. For awhile I had my confidence and I could just talk about what was going on. I was feeling like I was being heard, not just by my therapist, but by friends and family.

However, as I am writing the story of one part of that time in my life, it has hit me that I have put the walls back up.

They are not the stone and mortar walls I had built before, they are more like a privacy fence. Some of the old resentments are back. So out come the hammer and nails.

I am not the girl I was a few years ago, so things don't hurt the same way, I don't immediately jump to the conclusion that I am being judged, I can and do admit to mistakes, I have out aside many past hurts, and I have forgiven and seen the truth of many myths I had created.

That said, I am...how do I say this...still creating the walls. Clearly some of the things I had been dealing with and thought I had dealt with are still plaguing me.

Some of the boundaries have been constructed out of necessity in one relationship and carried through to people for whom they don't really apply. Some of the boundaries are about my own self denial. Some of the boundaries are because situations I had thought were healing seem to have been only temporary and I am protecting myself from the hurt that comes with that.

What is interesting is that right now as I examine the boundaries I have reconstructed, I am not housing the rage that had been there previously. I am not angry, I am just returning to the bad habits of allowing fear of someone else reaction dictate my life response.

I wish I could figure out how to get back to that place where I was okay with being honest.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad