Do I have passions?

"If you be as you really are, some people will never like it. And if you be as you are not, also some people will really not like it. So we might as well be as we truly are." ~Clarissa Pinkola Estes

I have spent a good portion of the last week or so trying to figure out my passions. I have an unfortunate situation where I have a husband who follows through on his passions and completely dedicates himself to bettering himself through his passions and it makes me feel a little a lot like I am somehow failing because I don't have passions like his.

My truth is that I can't compare myself to him. Not only in how much I am willing to give to my passions, but also in the nature of my passions.

For one of my classes, I had to take a free online Meyers-Briggs personality test and identify my personality type. As happens most of the time, I got very frustrated with the test because the questions are by black and white and I have trouble answering them. I am not a black and white person. And like most of these personality tests, I only kind of identified as INFJ. I was close to the halfway mark on all the identifiers.

This in addition to some of the other spiritual work I have been doing has had me really thinking about what it is that I love and where I find my energy.

I find that sometimes, a little everyday, I need to have time alone. I need a period of time to rejuvenate and recover without distraction. I need time to meditate or do yoga or play a stupid game or write a blog post or read a book. I need time by myself. This rebuilds my energy.

I find that sometimes, a little everyday, I need to be interacting with people. Not part of a crowd, but actually doing things with or talking to people. I gain energy from having meaningful interaction with others.

So I am what...an introverted extrovert? An extroverted introvert?

I can go through the same process with the other indentifiers, but what does this have to do with being me, or even finding my passions?

Well...honestly, my passions are deeply rooted in my nature. I am a mediator, it is what I do. I see multiple sides and can sometimes see a path toward middle and hopefully agreeable ground. I am a guide. I want to walk with people on their journey. I am a listener. I want to hear stories. I am a storyteller. I want to share stories.

As I was listening to a lecture by Clarissa Pinkola Estes this morning, the above quote stood out to me. I struggle with being me. I struggle with my true nature and I struggle with allowing myself to feel my true nature.

My passion lies with talking with others about their journeys, their stories and their ideas of God. My passion lies in helping others and myself find my true nature. My passion lies in introspection and helping others look inside themselves for the truth of who they are. My passion lies in water and rocks and life. My passion lies in wanting to make people feel good about who they truly are. My passions lie in working with other people...but I am an introvert...that is what I have always been told, I am shy and awkward...how the hell am I suppose to get other people to talk to me...

When I first learned about laughter yoga therapy, I wanted to learn it. I wanted to work with it. I wanted to be a part of it, but there is not a laughter yoga group in Lexington. For a while i thought about taking this online course for laughter toga training, but thought better of it. Fear of sounding like an idiot caused me to push that idea aside. When I mentioned the laughter therapy in Quaker meeting the other day several people wanted to be a part of it. It rekindled my fire to learn, but I keep pushing it away, telling myself that I don't know what I could do with it. At the same time though, I want to feel comfortable with myself and with laughing again.

I have an idea that I am extremely passionate about, but I am afraid of even trying to bring myself to do it because what if no one is interested. What a silly thought, but it paralyses me.

I have passions, but they all involve working toward working with other people, and I find myself at a loss...I am awkward and anti-social...right?

As Clarissa Pinkola Estes says...I need to be who I truly am...and who I truly am is someone whose passions lie in working with people. Perhaps it is time to just put myself out there.



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