Introspection and Responsibility

I very often wonder about the choices I have made.  I am finding that even with all the change I have had in my life in the last few years, all the huge strides I have made in following my heart and my dreams, I am still afraid of really taking the steps toward more change.

I cannot blame anyone else for where I am or the choices I made in my life.  My behavior, my actions are my responsibility.  I own them, and I own my fear of making further changes.

I often write off the changes because it is hard work, or I would rather do something else, but the truth is, that I am not happy when I sit around playing mindless video games.  I find myself looking around and wondering what to do, but find that I am not motivated to do anything that requires "hard work" or effort.  Making an effort seems so pointless when it isn't going as quickly as I want.

Several months ago J and I wrote a song titled "Coming Home."  It is a very pretty song and the lyrics almost feel incomplete.  It is not my usual style of over the top detailed story telling.  I have thought about this.  My style is really more long Irish Ballad when it comes to lyrics, but this one is short and in a way unfinished.  The song is where I am right now spiritually.

I want to return to a place where I am the girl I was created to be, but I am struggling.  I know where I need to go, I just can't seem to manage the steps.

Part of it is owning the responsibility that comes with the choices to move forward.  Part of it is owning that I can't control the choices of other people.  Part of it is just not understanding my own passions.

One of the things I struggle with the most is the warring between my introvert and my need for people.  This is the one that causes me the most struggle.  I want to learn, I want to be taught, I need people to learn with.  I need to have time alone.  I have a very strange war going on inside me that involves an introvert/extrovert battle of needs/desires/hopes.  I can't explain it because I don't understand it.  But I need social interaction in my life.  Spiritually oriented social interaction....that is not "church."  Or maybe it is and I am just not involved enough...I have to figure this out.  What I want is a spiritual book group...or something...

One of the things I war with is the need for ritual in my life.

All of the wars I am having are a result of my decisions.  My fear, my failure to put myself out there, my desire to ignore my own passions for the sake of keeping what I think of as the peace.  I am not sure that I can even identify what my real passions are at this point.  I do know though, that I am responsible for not following them.  That is a decision I have made.