Yeah, I know it is January 11. I know that it is well after the first of the year and most of the time, these kinds of things are done like January 1. I have my reasons, but they aren't that important.
This year was one that was full of change. The result of all the change has been positive, but not all of the changes were easy ones to make.
+ I finished seminary and was ordained as an interfaith minister. I have performed a wedding and a memorial service. I learned a lot from both experiences.
+ I quit my job as a full time mine permit engineer to go back to school for a PhD in stream restoration. I am so happy.
+ Both my Aunt Jonell and my Brother-in-law Neil passed away. It was a rough year.
+ I allowed a toxic friendship to end.
Prior to my sitting down to write this, I had a million things to say about each of those changes. I had a lot of thoughts in my head about them and still do, but the thing that kept filing itself away in my head about all these changes is that there are some things that haven't changed, and really need to.
A few weeks ago, a guy on a social networking site I belong to was complaining that he couldn't friend someone because he didn't want the girl he liked to find out that he posted pictures of slutty girls. He didn't want her to realize he is a typical male. My first thought was, do you really want a girl that doesn't accept you as you truly are? After that, it was why are you posting pictures of slutty girls on the web if you don't want people to know you do that?
But it had me thinking. I don't hide myself on the web, I don't create false identities and change my personality, but I don't advertise where I am on the web either. I have several different blogs, I am located on several different social networking sites. I have a body of friends that have come from those sites, ones I have never met in person.
But I claim myself as me on everyone of those sites. So why do I find it difficult to let real life people know about them?
I am not sure that I would have a serious issue if my real life friends found and navigated my blogs. I don't think it would put me in too much of a panic. But why is it that I don't post links to it or make it searchable by my name? Am I afraid of having someone call me out?
Someone I once knew told me that I didn't like it when people analyzed me and so I don't share myself with people because I don't really want anyone to know me. I have thought about this a lot. The truth is, I do want people to know me. But I don't want people to assume that they know me. What I mean is that in any typewritten document the voice you "hear" when you read my words isn't often mine. It is the voice you, the reader, has given to me. You can't know tone, inflection, body language, etc. all of those things are important in really knowing someone. They a really important in being able to understand me. You can't know me just by reading what I say in text on a blog. Not really.
I make snap judgments about people based on what they are wearing or how they are sitting. I think everyone does. First impressions are important. Those first judgments are not something I hold onto without allowing them to change. I am all for giving people a chance to show their true colors, but first impressions stick.
I think sometimes that people might read my blog and instead of talking to me about what I said, they allow those impressions to stick. Thus, they continue to read with the voice they have given me something that is not at all what I said.
I guess, I just don't trust most of the people in my real life to understand. No, that's just not true. I don't trust myself not to fall into old habits of trying to please everyone else, that the moments of honesty I share in this blog get relegated to those that "find" me.
Crazy way to start a ministry right?
I think the time is coming for me just to be completely honest with who I am. In all facets of my life. I haven't decided yet, but I think that means I will be closing down this blog. I think it means that I will be starting fresh with a new site, a new place where I will be myself for all to see.
Maybe. We shall see.
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