The Joys of Being Yourself

A few days ago a friend of mine said to me that she was learning to be at peace with herself.  But that she really didn't like that terminology.  Just like she didn't like "acceptance of self."  This really got me thinking.

I have thought about this a lot before, and maybe I have even talked about it here, but I think perhaps it bears talking about more.

I  think all too often, I confuse acceptance of self with having to accept those things that I really don't like about me as part of who I am.  Things I just have to live with.  But the more I really get into looking at me and what makes me happy, that is not true at all.  Accepting myself is not about swallowing all the things I don't like and "accepting" them as part of me.  Accepting myself is about realizing who I am and taking the steps to change those things that I don't like into things that I do.

If there is something about me that makes me unhappy, that isn't me being true to me.  Accepting those things I don't like about me as "just who I am," is setting me up for a life full of unhappiness.

Let me offer an example of what I mean.  My father had a failed business venture in the 1980's that dictated his future.  He could have spent his life focusing on the failure of the business letting it eat away at him, accepting his role as "failed business man."  He could have spent his life being miserable and depressed.  But he didn't.  "Failed business man" was not who my father was at his core, and so while he had to accept that failure as part of his life, and the repercussions of that caused him not to be able to follow through on every dream he had, it didn't define him.  My father went on to show my sisters and I that tightening our belts, living on a budget, going back to school, working hard could make you successful even with a failed business on your permanent life record.  My father didn't accept "failed business man" as his title.  My father went on to become, "successful city utilities manager," "excellent father," "MBA degree holder," "Guy who worked hard to support his family and pay off his loan rather than file bankruptcy," and many other titles.  My father didn't "accept" those things he didn't like about himself, he moved through them to the core of who he was and "accepted" that, then did the hard work involved to become who he was.

I went through a very long process of discovering that I am an engineer.  I think like an engineer, I work like an engineer, I am an engineer.  But I am not a "consultant" and I am not a "reviewer."  I am not someone who can sit at a desk all day doing the repetitive work that many consultants do.  I need to be outside, I need to be figuring out how things work.  I need to be in research, or in teaching.  So, I headed back to school to find my place.  I accept that I am an engineer, but with that I need to find a way to be the kind of engineer that makes me happy.

Accepting myself, doesn't mean that I can or should hate myself.  I hate that I am so insecure and afraid of looking stupid that I don't ask questions when I have them.  The truth is, I have a million questions.  I am loving my Stream Restoration Class because I am learning just how holistic and complicated the hydrologic cycle really is.  I want to understand everything.  I can't understand everything, but I am really interested in how to make the stream a living, functioning entity.  And honestly, I keep thinking about how I can apply it to the kind of gross smelling area next to our house.  But I don't ask them...and I hate that about me.

Thus I have a choice.  I can attempt to stop putting myself down because I don't ask questions or I can do the work to ask questions and really feel good about myself.  I have discovered that it is actually easier work to make the move toward asking questions.

Certainly there are things that I can't change about myself.  I can not change my skin tone, I can't change my allergies, I can't change the fact that I snort when I laugh to hard.  So yes, there are things that I just have to "accept" as part of who I am.  But honestly, when I stop to look at those things I can't really change about me, those are all parts of who I am at my core, and I don't really want to change them.  They are not the problem, my insecurity about them is the problem.

I suppose that when it comes to accepting yourself, I think there are a few questions you should ask yourself.  As you look at those things you feel you need to "accept," ask yourself the following questions:

• Why do I hate this about myself?
• If it is because I am afraid of others perceptions of me, is this thing I hate something I really hate or am I letting others influence my sense of self?
• If it is because I don't feel like it is true to me, what is stopping me from doing the work necessary to change it?
• Can I change this thing I hate about myself?
• If yes, what is stopping me from changing it?
• If no, what is stopping me from being okay with it?
• Go back to the first question...is it about public perception?
• What steps can I take to turn this into something I like about me?

I think all to often, I allow myself to fuel my own self-hatred by telling myself that there is nothing I can do to change who I am.  But that is a lie I tell myself so that I don't have to own responsibility for my actions.  "It is just who I am," is a great excuse for acting like an asshole and maintaining the self-hatred.

I think, if you don't like who you are, you should look inside, accept who you are at your core and work toward being that person you actually like.  It took me 35 years to see that.  Accepting me, doesn't mean learning to like those things I hate about me.  It means looking at who I really am, and giving up the need to be something other than that so that I can really love me.  I hope all of you out there in the world can do the same.