The Lies I tell myself

I tell myself a million little lies everyday.

Everyday I think I need to email x-and-so and who-that-is and tell them what’s going on with me.  Every day I get distracted by something stupid and pointless.  Everyday I tell myself the lie that I will do it tomorrow.

Everyday I tell myself I need to get a jump start on my homework so that I am ready for class and I am not stressing about it the night before.  Everyday I come up with something else that has to be done RIGHT NOW!  Everyday I tell myself I will change that tomorrow.

Everyday I talk about how I really need to redevelop and redefine my spiritual practice and everyday I find something else to fill my time.  Everyday I say I will do that tomorrow.
Everyday I think about how I want to be a better this or that.  Everyday I find a reason not to continue.

Everyday I think about some pain someone has caused me and I tell myself it is just not that big a deal.  Everyday I find myself thinking about it again and again.

Everyday I tell myself that I don’t want to be popular, I don’t want to be famous, I don’t want to have a zillion followers who like all my posts.  Everyday I check to see how many followers I have and how many posts have been liked.

None of my lies keep me up at night.  They don’t stop me from being as successful as my procrasitination and laziness will allow me to be. I am mostly happy.  And I know I am lying to myself.

So…Why do I lie to myself?

I actually have thought about this…a lot.

Some of it has to do with fear.  Some of it has to do with just being lazy.  Some of it has to do with expectation.  Some of it has to do with habit.

Some of it…well…I don’t know.

I suppose I could break it down a lot more, and perhaps over the coming days/weeks I will.  But ultimately.  I know I lie to myself about a thousand small things everyday.  And I suppose that until I am really ready to change that about me, I will continue to do just that.