Transformation

I have a million great ideas.  A ton of videos to make and put up on youtube.  A zillion sermons that float around in my head.  A stack of books I want to read.  Building projects.  Painting projects.  I want to learn Hebrew, Greek, Irish.  I have a book I want to write.  I have stories to tell.  I want to get back to relearning folk tales and songs to sing around the campfire.  I want to get back to the level of appreciation for nature that I had before the world came in took over and made me weary.  I want to have time to really learn mindfulness meditation and yoga.  I want to perform a wedding ceremony.

How am I supposed to fit all of that into one lifetime?

That question is what stops me from doing any of it.  Since the answer is that I can't do everything I want to do, I use that to tell myself I might as well not do any of it.  I focus instead on mindless games and TV shows that don't bring me much pleasure.  As modesty and humbleness are not my strengths, I'll just go ahead and say it...I have many talents.  I am pretty confident that I could do just about anything I wanted if I put my mind to it.  The problem is that I don't put my mind to it.  I jump from area to area looking for that thing that moves me more than anything else.  I switch from path to path looking for the thing that makes me excited.

At least that is what I tell myself.  What I am really doing is jumping on a path, getting to the point where I hit a wall (something I can't do easily), deciding that I have failed and jumping to the next path.  I am excited about everything until I hit that wall.

I can't do every great idea that pops into my mind.  I can't be great at everything.  But I can decide that I am tired of feeling like I have failed just because I have hit a wall.  I am an engineer, I find joy in figuring out how to make things work in various situations.  This is one of my true passions.  Time to apply that skill in fixing my own life.

On NYE, I performed a fire ceremony to release some of the negative stuff I was holding onto and clear the space for my own vital essence to return.  I have talked to anyone about what it is that I put into the fire, at least not in more than general terms.  In part because I didn't want to feel like I was disappointing someone if I failed at actually psychologically releasing the stuff.  And in part, it was because some of what needed to be released was deeply personal.

One of the things I put into the fire, was my need to live up to the expectations I felt were set for me by others.  I freed myself to just be me.

I didn't realize just how heavy that one item of dead weight was for me.  I didn't realize just how much anger, hurt, frustration and resentment was tied up in feeling like I wasn't meeting up to other's expectations of me.  I hadn't anticipated the feeling of freedom that came with it.  I also hadn't anticipated the level of honesty that I was willing to reveal about myself was going to come with that.

Yesterday, I openly took responsibility for my own misery and how much that misery had deteriorated my marriage.  Yesterday, I told a friend that I was still too close to my own way of internalizing hurt and frustration to continue to take emotional beatings from him, and I strongly suggested and even helped him look into getting help.  Yesterday, I smiled at a guy who was criticizing my design and my process.  Yesterday, I went to bed feeling like I had been the best person I could be.  I didn't try to figure out who I might have disappointed or hurt.  I didn't focus on what I could have done better.  I was the best ME that I could be.

I woke up this morning feeling amazing.

And while I focus on yesterday because it is still fresh in my mind, The first four days of the new year weren't all that different.  Releasing my need to meet my perceived expectations from others has freed me to just be okay with me.  Imperfect me.

With that release, and the willingness to accept me on my terms, I think I can pick a path and perhaps even overcome the wall I will hit.

I am not completely sure what path I am going to take.  I am going to spend some quality time thinking about that.  I can say though that whatever I choose, I know I will hit that wall, I am going to hope for the strength to take a step back, take a good hard look, and then put my engineering mind to work and figure out how to get over it, under it, around it or through it.