Being the Change

Mahatma Ghandi says, "Be the change you want to see in the world."

I am supposed to be writing up my personal code of ethics.  It is to be the code of ethics that I follow for my ministry and my life starting the moment that I finish writing them out.

I haven't worked out my code of ethics entirely because I have learned while thinking about this, that my moral code is not exactly black and white.  There is a lot of colored area in it.

For example, I don't believe that I could ever have an abortion.  Even though I have been told that I will become diabetic should I get pregnant and have a baby, while I take precautions, if I were to become pregnant, I would keep the baby.  However, that said, I don't think I have the right to decide for anyone else.  I don't like the idea of abortion as a primary form of birth control, but I don't feel like my life choice should be the life choice for everyone.  It is not my body that is in question.

 So I have been thinking about how to write out my code of ethics.  What do I want to say about me and about my ministry with this agreement between me, myself and I.  No one is out there enforcing these rules, it is only me that has to live up to the values set forth on this piece of paper.  But I take it very seriously.

Over and over, I return to Ghandi's statement, "Be the change you want to see in the world."

I recognize that I am a strong person.  I recognize that I have spent a lot time really delving into my sense of self and wrestling with the demons hiding in the shadows.  I recognize that I have spent a lot of time working through resentment, anger, frustration and depression.  I recognize that I hold a lot of resentment toward people who continue to expect me to change and grow while doing nothing to grow themselves.

It is one of my primary pet peeves.  That expectation that because I know I have a lot to work on, that I am the one who has to make the effort to hold my temper, hold my tongue, grow a thick skin or what not.  And it is there...that expectation.  I think that several people in my life, reading that would think, "No, she's just projecting expectation again like she always does."  But it is the truth for some.

For example, I have a friend who for the last 6 months or so would pretty much demand that I make him feel better about himself.  He would rip me to shreds and then blame me for the fact that he felt like crap about himself.  I am supposed to be invincible.  I am supposed to be able to take his bullshit and not react or feel pain.  He was, in his mind, allowed to beat me up because I was moving forward in my life and he resented that.  Don't get me wrong, I didn't just sit back and take it.  I got in a few good licks all on my own.  But the expectation from him was that he should be allowed to tell me when I was hurting him because he needed to be rescued, but I couldn't tell him when he was hurting me because that made him feel like crap.  I resented that.  I felt like our friendship couldn't survive if I was the only one changing in an attempt to make it better.

That said, I realized that I can't expect anyone else to change.  I can't expect them to treat me like I want to be treated if I don't say, "No, you can't talk to me that way."  I can't expect the competitiveness to end, if I can't say, "I have no reason to compete with you."  I can't expect the apparently insensitive comments to end, if I can't say, "Look, what you just said was kind of thoughtless.  I know that you didn't mean to imply that ______________, but your comment did seem to imply that.  Can you tell me what you meant to say?"

It's not easy.  Letting go of the unfairness that I should be the one to make the steps toward growing as a person, while others get to continue to be insensitive to me.  But isn't that part of the change I want to see in the world?  I want to live in a place where there is honesty and mutual respect.  If I am not being honest, and I am not respectful, how can I expect others to be?

Yes, it isn't fair, but as I tell my kids all the time, we weren't guaranteed fairness when we were born.  We were guaranteed an opportunity for life.

So the first item in my code of ethics is to do my best to live up to the idea of being the change I want to see in the world.