What do you mean this is only temporary?

J and I are part of a basement band that plays music on Tuesday nights.  We struggle a bit to find music to play because we are not exactly a group with the same musical taste.  What people want to play and what fits with the overall musical style of the group is not always consistent.

My voice for example lends itself to folk music, and not just any folk music, but a very specific type of folk music.  Tam Lin, for example is where my vocal tone is apparent.  It also helps when I know and love the song.

One of the songs we have decided to play is "Dust in the Wind" by Kansas.  This song is about as pretentious as prog. rock can get, but the song has a great sound.  It's quite beautiful, musically.  The lyrics are:

I close my eyes
Only for a moment and the moment's gone
All my dreams
Pass before my eyes a curiosity

Dust in the wind
All they are is dust in the wind

Same old song
Just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do
Crumbles to the ground though we refuse to see

Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind

Now don't hang on
Nothing lasts forever but the Earth and Sky
It slips away
And all your money won't another minute buy

Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind
Dust in the wind
Everything is dust in the wind
Everything is dust in the wind

At the time this song was written, the zen/Buddhist/Eastern Philosophy was really coming into it rebirth in the west.  A lot of musicians and celebrities were finding themselves steeped in this ancient art and the "new" age movement was developing rapidly.

J is fairly impressed that I can sing the lyrics to this song without cracking a smile or feeling a sense of utter silliness as the shallowness of the lyrics.  You know, the fact that they look deep, but aren't.

The truth is, that over the course of the last few months and my meanderings in to what I want to do with my life after I become an ordained minister, I have really started to understand the depth of the idea of being "Dust in the wind."  Perhaps Kansas didn't have a deep metaphysical understanding of the philosophy intoned in these words.  Perhaps they are writing about the transience of life and the meaning in their mind isn't really all the deep.  But as I have delved into the metaphysics of spiritual practice, I have found that this song embodies the truth of life.

Every thought we have is just dust in the wind.  It isn't permanent, it isn't lasting, it is meaningless.  No hurt lasts forever, no joy tied to something transient can be held forever.  I will grow and I will change and the me sitting here right now, will not be the same as the me who writes the next word, or the next sentence.  I am an every changing being. 

According to the metaphysics of nearly every religious tradition, the first step toward reaching the full understanding of God (or whatever name you give to the Divine Presence, Universal Energy, etc.) is to be mindful.  In order to attain a state of enlightenment, I must be forever aware of my body, my emotions, my thoughts and my spirit.

A couple of things have happened over the last few days that have brought this idea home to me in a major way.

One is that someone talked about me behind my back and I found out about it.  For the life of me I can't figure out what benefit was gained from any portion of the exchange.  What was said about me, would only succeed in hurting the feelings of the person to whom it was said, and in turn me when/if it got back to me.  I could retaliate in kind, I could let it go, and I could use it as an opportunity to reflect on myself.  I have no interest in retaliation, as I found out about it days ago and I am still mulling it over, letting it go seems unlikely, so I will use it as an opportunity to reflect on myself.

The second is that a friend of mine has had to face a problem that he created by not being honest and upfront to begin with.

I was listening to a lecture this morning on my way into work and the speaker said that ardency in practice of mindfulness was exemplified by understanding that every action warrants a reaction.  Every thought you have, every word from your mouth, every movement, every feeling expressed, every single thing you do sets in motion a series of events that will prompt a reaction in kind.  You must own every action you take.  Constant awareness of the fact that every action you take will have a reaction makes it important to make good decisions.

Let's take the example where I was talked about behind my back.

What was said about me, was not entirely untrue.  There was a kernel of truth in what was said, but there was also a lot of speculation, misunderstanding and "junk" included.  Is the extra stuff surrounding the kernel of truth intentional?  Is it just a difference in perception?  Is it an honest misunderstanding of the situation?  It doesn't matter.  The kernel of truth that was included is relevant.  My action prompted this situation.

I could argue that there were extenuating circumstances and I could claim that I was under duress.  I could point fingers and lay blame on someone else for instigating the situation.  But in the end, I was the one who chose to react like I did.  I am responsible for giving people something to talk about.

Don't get me wrong.  That this person took that information and used it to cause hurt feelings is not my responsibility, it is theirs.  Once they took the information and spread it around, the action became theirs.  I am responsible for the information being out there.  They are responsible for what they did with it.

In the end, when it came back to me, I am responsible for my own hurt feelings.  Retaliation is a choice.  The person spreading the information and talking about me behind my back is far from innocent in the story.  They too made mistakes and performed actions of which I am sure they are not proud.  I could tell their story and put those hurt feelings right back on them.  Again involving intermediate people, so that I return to favor while the other is brought down.  I have that ability and that information.  In a way, I could claim that I have a right to that response because "they started it."

Only that isn't really true.  It's an excuse.  A way of getting out of responsibility for my actions and in turn the subsequent reaction.  While there would be truth in anything I could say back, there is no point in continuing the pattern of hurt just for the sake of hurting.  Because in the end, that is all any retaliation on my part would do.  It would just continue the chain of hurt.

The hurt feelings I experienced by discovering that someone was talking about me behind my back, and not only that, that they were using my actions to hurt another who was innocent are just dust in the wind.  They don't have to stick around unless I keep them.  They can blow away and move on.  I don't have to hold on to them.

It's not easy, letting go.  Moving on.  It's not easy to own responsibility for my actions.  It's not easy to take the time to think ahead and gauge the potential reaction from my action. 

I am but dust in the wind.  I won't last forever, Nothing I say or do will be permanent.  That isn't an excuse to behave badly.  Because I recognize my transience, I have an obligation to ensure that my actions promote good living.  I am responsible for the dust I create.