What do you mean I choose my suffering?

Every morning I wake up to a routine of answering four questions. 

1. Who am I?
2. Who is God?
3. What is my deepest desire?
4. For what am I grateful?

The first three I have been answering for more than 8 years.  The last one I started with the new year.

When I spend the time to start my day by thinking about something specific for which I am grateful, I find that my day goes pretty smoothly.  Mostly because I am actively spending time looking for the positive.  I am not wasting time indulging the negative energy because there is no point.  I have already started my day thinking of something that makes me happy.  Something that makes me comfortable.  Something that makes my life a little bit easier.

I have made the active decision to focus on the positive.  I have made the active decision to look for the bright spot in the day.

How many times a day do you look around and wonder how some people get so much accomplished, while you see piles of laundry, stacks of bills and a ton of other things that "need" to be done stack up around you?  Stuff that has to be done, falls by the wayside to accommodate some urgent thing that must be taken care of right now.  My hand is in the air and I am shouting me, me, me.

I can't ask for help because I have to be able to do this all on my own.  I know I can tick off everything on my list of things to do, and get it done without worry...right?  I shouldn't ask for help because not being able to do something on my own makes me look weak...right?  I don't like putting people out, it makes them feel used...right?

But think about it...how much better off would I be if I didn't have to worry about getting stuck in traffic due to an accident on New Circle Road and making sure I get the boys in time?  How much less stress would I have in my life, if I could focus on having a good time with my family rather than what happened at the office today?  How much happier would I be, if I felt like I was free from the need to impress everyone around me, and I could just ask for help?

I have chosen my life of attachment to my independence.  I am finding that I don't really like that choice.  I feel kind of alone in a world full of people.  I have created my suffering.

In 1996, Hillary Clinton wrote a book called "It Takes a Village."  In it she advocates creating a society that meets the needs for raising all children.  The point being that it is not only the parents, but teachers, coaches, friends, etc. that influence the life of a child and we should all work to honor the raising of all of the children.

I advocate that this isn't true only for the raising of a child.  It is true for everything.  Whether we like it or not, we are always dependent on others to live our life.  There are very few people alive who can function without at least some input from other people.  Maybe you don't think about it much, but someone sold me my clothes, before that someone made them, before that someone had to create the material, before that someone had to grow, mine or whatever the stuff needed to make the material.  And that is just for clothes.  Think of the people necessary for electricity, water, transportation, food, the shelter in which we reside.  We rely on many people every day just to meet our basic needs.

There is a story from China called "The Stonemason Who was Never Satisfied."  In this story a stonemason keeps reaching for the ultimate in individual power and he ends up right back where he was, realizing that no matter what he wished for, there was always going to be something or someone that could stop him.  He learned great appreciation for his work.

Just like the stonemason, no matter how high I reach, I will never be able to be the strongest, the best, the perfect.  I am who I am.  I can decide to be the best me I can be, or I can decide to make myself suffer because I tell myself that I am alone in a world where I am actually dependent on those around me everyday.

I have tried living a life of independence without making the effort to build a community.  I don't think I can do that anymore.  I want a life of community.  Not just a group of people I work with, or a group of people I do kickboxing with, I want a community.  A group of people that make me feel welcome and at home.

I think a lot of people get that from church, but unfortunately, that didn't really work for me.  Perhaps I should give the Unitarian Church a try again.  Or perhaps I should go back to Synagogue where I felt welcome.  Or perhaps I should just do what keeps coming to mind and build a community of my own, by coming out of the "closet" and promoting my own brand of spirituality and community with people who want to connect with what I have to offer (something that scares me beyond belief, but will just not leave my brain).

Anyway, all of this seems to be coming out of me, when my intention had been to talk about what I read last night in the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying that was then reinforced by a teaching I was listening to this morning on mindfulness and living in a state of mindful awareness.  But it all comes to the same thing...we suffer because we chose to.

I suffer because I need a community.  I can't break free of that need.  And yet I choose to make excuses about why building that community I need is something I just can't do.  I close my mind to any and all possibilities for how to make that work because I don't want to fail.  Building a community is not something that will happen over night.  Building a community takes real time and effort.  What if I start to build this community and it all falls apart?

I wonder, if you look at your life, can you see where you choose suffering over doing what it would take to find inner peace and happiness?