To judge or not to judge...that is the question

This is a touchy issue for me because I am accused of being judgmental a lot.  And each time it comes as quite the surprise to me, because I don't feel like I am actually judging anyone.  I don't judge anyone.

I don't believe that people are perfect.  I don't believe that anyone can be perfect, and that is 100% acceptable to me.  I don't need people to be perfect.  I find that I love them even with their imperfections.  I don't have a problem with the imperfections of others.

That said however, I can be critical.  I have opinions, I have thoughts.  That I don't agree with what someone did or how they handled a situation doesn't mean that I don't respect them or that I think I would have or could have done it better and so I don't pass judgment.  But if I am asked my opinion, sometimes I will state it, and if it doesn't match yours, well...that's just fine.

I can understand the insecurity that hears judgment in a criticism.  I have been there.  I am still there.  So I get it.  I get that there is a fine line between judgment and criticism.  And I understand why I might be considered judgmental.

After a huge fight with someone I considered my best friend at the time, I emailed a friend who had accused me of the same thing about a year before.  I asked him if now that time had passed, if he could explain to me what it was that made me judgmental.  I still have his response to that email.

"I never thought you were judgmental.  You have a capacity for critical thought that is sorely needed by so many people in this world.  And you do not blindly dismiss alternative points of view.  I think A doesn't know how to receive honesty and openness because she needs too much validation.  (In her eyes, if you don't agree with her, then you must be against her.)  

Your confident delivery of your points of argument could be construed as pontificating.   But anyone who really knows you knows that you respect alternative points of view, even if you don't agree with them. Anyone who really knows you knows that you can't help but learn from new information and that, even though you may sound like you know it all, you are constantly incorporating new ideas and feelings to become a richer, wiser person."

I know that when I express an opinion, I am confident in my view of it.  I don't express anything I am not confident about it.  It's a character flaw.  I don't state an opinion when I am not certain that my view is the one I want to have.  Which means that changing my opinion is going to be a hard sell.  

Perhaps I need to work on the coming off as pontificating thing, but I don't ultimately think that confidence is a bad thing.  I should be willing to stand up for my opinions, I should be willing to support myself.  But I don't think that my way is the only way.  It is just the right way for me.  Or at least it is the right way for me, in this moment. 


I weigh a lot of things before I reach the point of expressing an opinion.  I consider a lot of perspectives, which is why I think I come of as pontificating.  Chances are, if I am going to express my opinion to you, I have already considered about anything you can throw at me.  I have generally done my research and know what I am talking about.


I admit that I could be wrong, but without really good evidence to the contrary, it is going to be hard to convince me.


But, that doesn't mean I am judging you.  Just because we don't agree, or just because you can't sway my opinion, doesn't mean I think less of you.  In fact, giving me smart, well thought out arguments makes me think more of you.  Even if we don't agree.


I honestly think I don't pass judgment.  I do really think that because a particular view or opinion is right for me, doesn't mean it has to be right for you.  I do however know my opinion, really, really well.