The Fast--Surrender

Have you ever had one of those moments where a book sort of flew off the shelf and said, "Read Me" ? 

The book didn't fly off my shelf, but at least 4 people unrelated to each other mentioned the book and talked about what it was about.  I figured that was my indication that I needed to read that book.  The book is by Marianne Williamson and is titled, "A course in Weight Loss, 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever."

No, I am not overweight.  Yes, I eat healthy, so why do I need a book on weight loss?

While the book focuses on body image and over eating as a compensation for stress and unhappiness, the principles applied to weight loss in this case, I think, might actually help me recognize some of my bad habits that stem from the same place, self-hatred.  I am only on the first of the 21 lessons, and perhaps I will find that as I continue this course will be less and less helpful, but I am going to give it a try.

The first lesson is on tearing down the wall.  One of my new favorite quotes about the wall is, "This wall has been built by your subconscious mind; its purpose is to separate you from other people and from life itself.  Your fear has built the wall, and love will tear it down."

A couple years ago, I found I could no longer support the wall I had been building.  It crumbled, leaving me open, vulnerable and exposed.  I believed that with help I would find something more constructive to do than rebuild the wall.  I would face my fears and finally step out of the box and into myself.

What I have realized over the last few weeks, is that while I have really done some great work in removing the wall I had spent 33 years building, I have been rebuilding a slightly different wall.  This one hasn't been quite as obvious, but the old habits and patterns are starting to reemerge.

For example, when I started this fast, I would make it to the end of the day and I would be hungry, but I was very cautious about what I was eating.  I would pay careful attention to it and I would be very present with my meal.  Now as I near the end, I am not only trying to plow through it like I might not ever get to eat again, I find myself eating a meal and then looking for something else.  A bowl of sugary cereal, thin mint cookies, candy, anything to give me just a little bit more.  I don't need it, I am not even really hungry, yet here I am looking for something else to make me feel "fulfilled."  Why?

I find myself returning to playing stupid games on my phone.  I am not depressed like I was, but I am avoiding reading books, and doing the research on the ceremonies I have to create.  Why?

I can go on listing other small actions that I can justify away as normal, but are really me putting the bricks back into my wall.  Why?

I have dealt with my voices.  I don't have a host of inner critics yelling at me to be something else.  I look in the mirror and I actually "see" me.  I am finding my voice.  I am not nearly as angry or as hurt as I once was.  So what is it that I fear?

My hope is that this book on over eating will help me find a path to identifying the fear that I am currently overlooking.  I plan on investing myself in it fully and doing all of the exercises that it requests.  Starting with the process of identifying the darkness that I still carry inside me.  The first on the list, is "Shame."  What am I ashamed of?

The book says, don't go unconscious, write it all out, but I find myself trapped in the logic.  My mind goes absolutely blank and I find nothing to be ashamed of.  Then, I try to dig deeper and I find that my mind tells me that I am just being silly, of course I am not ashamed of that.  But if I am to be fair to myself, I am ashamed of a lot of things.

I am ashamed of the fact that I can't seem to bring myself to follow my calling fully and trust that my needs and the needs of my family will be met while I do it.  What does this mean?  It means that I have a list of "educational opportunities" that I am drawn to, and instead of looking for how to follow through so that I can walk fully into myself, I am finding excuses to write them off.  I am allowing money, time, etc. to be an excuse not to follow through, instead of opening up to trust that God will help me find a way to manifest my calling if it is the right time.  I am slamming doors and not allowing windows to open.

I am ashamed of the fact that I can't bring myself to stop going to a workout class that just doesn't suit me.  I have four months left on my contract, and because it looks like there is no way that the adult class will be brought back, I won't be renewing my contract for Taekwondo.  And that saddens me, but at the same time I know it is time to move on.  I argue with myself about going to class every Monday and Wednesday.  I would rather spend that hour running or doing yoga or playing Just Dance 3.  I would rather spend the time it takes me to drive to class working on my Shamanic Journey and meditation practice.  But I can't just stop going.  I can't seem to break myself of the feeling of obligation.

I am ashamed of the fact that I have a million ideas for how to incorporate a family spiritual practice into our family life.  I can't do it.  I can't seem to motivate myself to ask them to stop playing their games or take a moment to enjoy the movement of God in their lives.  I don't want them to feel like I am forcing beliefs on them that aren't theirs, but I want so badly to have that time.  I want to include them in my spiritual journey.  And I am ashamed that I can't seem to do it.

I am ashamed that my own self-hatred and frustration at my failings has made it impossible for me to move forward in several games I am playing as well as musical skill.  I mentioned a while back that I was finding it difficult to find the time to do all the things I wanted to do, and I should pare down to one.  Truth is, I am not making time for any of them.  I want so badly to move forward, yet I am paralyzed by the decision of which one to pick, and how to focus on it, when it seems like all I can do is work and exercise, put the boys to bed and go to bed.  I make excuses about how I need to relax and watching TV or whatever is a fine way to do that.  Yet I don't feel relaxed.  I find myself wanting more.  Wanting something different.  Wanting something else.

I am ashamed of a lot of other smaller things.

Just writing these out makes me feel exposed and stupid.  But Marianne Williamson is right, if I don't face the darkness and bring all of it into the light, I can't move forward.  I can't make real change.  I can only return to bad habits and frustration with myself.


Tonight, I face my shame.  Tomorrow...Anger.