So...It's been about a week.

I know that all of my readers (both of you) have been wondering what has kept me from writing all week.  Well, let me tell you.

I hit a low last week.  I did exactly what a client told me to do.  I had checked with him every step of the way through the design process.  I had read and reread emails.  I kept to his schedule.  And when the permit was finally issued, and he realized that the design he had approved wouldn't work in the field, he blamed me.  I took it.  I told him he was right, clearly this was a misunderstanding on my part and I didn't get mad or angry.  But I did realize that I really hate this part of the job.

I honestly don't know if this happens to other people, but very often I am marked as the scapegoat for people looking to place blame.  About a year ago, I had two permits denied because, "I was being difficult to work with."  When my client and I went to a meeting to talk about what needed to be done to get a permit issued, it became very clear to the powers that be in the department, that I was not the problem.  I had be yanked around over and over, with changing standards.  There had been some very unpleasant things said about me.  And I did later get an apology, but I am getting kind of tired of being the "victim."  I don't want to give out pain or relocate blame, but I find that in what I do, it is much easier to blame the consultant.

Also, it doesn't help matters that the industry is suffering a low of epic proportions and everyone is on edge. 

I keep thinking that it is time to get out.  but how?  I am not ready to be a minister full time.  The type of ministry I am setting up for just can't be built over night.  I can't just uproot my family.  I have worked in coal for the last 10 years, while I am educated elsewhere I am out of practice.

J and I are talking about this, and he says..."Maybe it is time to get your PhD."  I start to argue with him.  The model I have in my mind, just won't work.  It isn't feasible.  God would have to really open up some doors to make it happen.

Last Saturday, I wrote the following in my journal, "Lord, I know what I am called to do.  I know the ultimate goal, but I can't see the path.  Nothing I look at seems to work.  I hand it to you.  I am going to give you the control.  I am going to give you the power.  I am going to give you reigns and let you guide me.  I know me, Lord.  I know that as soon as the road looks different than I imagine I am going to want control back.  I am going to do my best to stay aware of it and let it be, but this time, I know I can't go on how I am, but I don't know how to move forward."

The more I thought about it, the more J's idea of going back to school for a PhD makes sense.  There are a lot of possibilities that come from having a PhD, and while don't really like the "practice" of engineering, I do love engineering.  Perhaps trying to find something in research or teaching will be something wonderful.  And while there are lots and lots of aspects of engineering I love, water and environment really are the ones I am most passionate about.  I would love to be in a position where I am doing more field work and field studies rather than sitting in an office all day.  A PhD with a focus in sediment transport and hydrology can help me with that.

I decided that there was no harm in looking into the Biosystems and Agricultrual Engineering program at UK.  So Monday afternoon, I sent an email to the director of graduate studies.  I told him a little bit about myself and I asked him if he felt like we could be a good fit for each other.  The next morning, I have an email in my box saying, I think we should meet and let you see our facilities.  When can you be available.

I wrote back to tell him that I lived and worked in Lexington and that I had some flexibility.  That other than a commitment in June I had no knowledge of being out of town in the near future.  I am pretty sure I have passed the application dead line.  I am expecting to meet sometime in the summer when things have calmed down.  Not the week before finals.

Within minutes, I get a reply, "I'm going out of town for a week on Monday.  Let's see if we can work something out before then."

Wednesday I hear nothing from them, but I know that the other professors he wants me to meet are busy. I have actually met them both before at various times through out my career.  But I have not really interacted with them.  I start to get a little nervous.  I start to realize that I want this to work out.

Thursday, I get an email that says...how about Friday at 1. 

So here it is Friday, and I have a meeting with a group of professors at 1PM.

I don't know if you all know this about me, but my usual response is to look at any change that doesn't follow the path I think I am supposed to be on with dread.  I want the doors to open to let me do things my way.  I worry that changing this or that will just be one more band-aid to slow the bleeding rather than really healing the wound and dealing with the problem.

As I approach this meeting, I have no sense of dread.  What I have are the butterflies that say that my 3.4 GPA from Duke with my Master's Degree will mean I can't get in because they want you to have a 3.5 GPA in graduate work.  I worry that the GRE I took nearly 15 years ago will mean I have to take it again, and I worry that I will again score abominably low on the verbal section.  I worry that office experience isn't going to be what they want, even though I have an excellent work record.

I don't feel like this would just be another band-aid, I feel like this would be a step toward becoming fully me.

It's not the path I thought I wanted.  It's not the path I thought I would take.  It's not where I thought I wanted to be, but I find myself looking and God and saying, "I know.  I gave You control.  I'm going to let you keep that control and we will play this out."

Fingers crossed.