The other bricks in the wall

After shame, anger, fear, unforgivness, and judgment.  The book goes on to ask about bricks that could be made of disdain, excess responsibility, pressure, exhaustion, burden, stress, heartbreak, injustice, protection, pride, selfishness, jealousy, greed, laziness, separation, dishonesty, arrogance, inferiority, embarrassment, and self-abnegation.  Like most people, I have pieces of these.  I can think of moments where I take on responsibility that isn't mine.  I can think of times when I deal with pressure, stress pride and selfishness.  I can think of moments when I base a reaction on greed, laziness or arrogance.  But I don't hold on to those moments.  I did at one time.  I built a whole castle out of bricks that were created from all of these feelings and many more.  But for now, in really looking at the wall I am starting to rebuild, it is coming from a place of fear.

As I sit and think about it, for me, most of those other words are really a result of fear too.  I take on excess responsibility out of fear.  Stress is motivated by fear.  Arrogance and inferiority are motivated by fear.  For me, fear is really the basis for almost all of my actions and reactions.  It is my fear that is the key to taking the bricks out of my wall.

So now that I have realized that I have started rebuilding the walls and finding reasons to put myself in a new box, I offer this prayer:

Dear God,
Please remove the wall that I am rebuilding around me.  I am building it to be very strong and I am having trouble taking it down on my own.  I am surrendering to you every thought of separation, every fear, every unforgiving moment.  Please, dear God, take this burden and turn it into a positive for the universe.
Amen, Ashe and so it is.

I find it easy to say the words.  I am surrendering this.  It's easy to want to surrender the pain.  To want to surrender the need to control.  To want to give up the fear.  How many times have I said that I want to get out of my box, to surrender to God and His will? To follow my path where it leads regardless of what that might mean?  But it is so hard to do.

Something in my life has gone from being positive, to be toxic.  The toxicity probably could have been reduced and perhaps even negated had I opted to surrender my need to prove myself in this situation, but I didn't.  I needed to prove to myself that I could help.  I needed to prove to myself that my call toward counseling and teaching was right.  And it didn't work.  In the end it became toxic, because ultimately I didn't respect the level.  I want to help more than the person wanted to be helped.  I needed to prove something so I pressed for internal sight when it wasn't yet time for that.  My excuse, if I fail at helping here, how can I think I will help elsewhere.

The difference is the baggage.  Someone who comes to me for counseling that is someone I don't know in my personal life won't come toting baggage from our relationship.  They will come to me because they are ready to dig in and see the truth of themselves.  Sometimes I will still press a little too hard, sometimes I won't press hard enough.  I will make mistakes and it will be my job to recognize those mistakes.  But this relationship isn't one I can heal.  It isn't one where I can have an active hand in helping to bring around the introspection and self-awareness.  There is too much baggage.

And as much as it pains me, I can no longer carry that baggage.  And I want to surrender it.  I want to let it go and leave it behind and walk away from it.  Unfortunately, the fear and the guilt come in and I take a few steps away, and look back and feel like it is my job to pick it up.  So I walk back.  I try to pick it up, and I do for a few more halting steps, and we repeat the process again.

Real surrender is not easy.  Real surrender is not something accomplished by words alone.

Over the course of the last year, I have discovered that for me mental exercises are great.  I get a lot out of them and I learn a lot about myself as I go through the process, but if I don't actually physically get my body involved in the process the mental exercise has no real lasting impact.  So, I need to create a physical manifestation of my surrender.  I need to really hand it over, and I need to physically release the baggage.

For me, fire is a very visceral and real way to offer this surrender, and perhaps I will go with that, but I am thinking of something a little more creative and something I can do in the moment without many props.  Something that is easy.  I am not sure what that will be...maybe I will hunt up a helium balloon.  Maybe I will find a place to bow to the ground.  Maybe a few cleansing tears and a dance of release.

I am ready to surrender my fear (all of it), my guilt, my pride, my arrogance, my everything to God.  I am ready to take down the wall I have started rebuilding.  I will find something that aids me in my quest to do that.