Saying Goodbye

Every once in a while we have to make the hard decision to release an attachment that has become toxic. Every once in awhile, we have to directly face the suffering that I believe we are trained to avoid.

Maybe it was the stress of two major projects, maybe it was the fact that I was/am really behind on an assignment, maybe it is just that it is time, but this week I had to cut the toxic out of my life by saying goodbye to someone I had at one time considered my best friend.

Watching the deterioration of a friendship is never easy and like most stories has three sides, mine, his and the truth, which falls somewhere between our two divergent perspectives. Somewhere beneath the hurt feelings, the need to lash out, the need to defend and the anger is the truth of what killed our relationship.

The Buddha says that attachment is what causes suffering and suffering will end when attachment ends. If you are anything like me, you are probably thinking, I can't survive with out an attachment to something. I mean, I can't really survive without food, shelter, clothing, etc. I can't just give up stuff. I mean, being without my iPad would really make my life a lot harder.

So how do you give up attachment and reduce suffering? After a lot of thinking I have decided that it is not attachment that is the problem, it is attachment to an expected outcome that is what causes suffering.

In the case of things with my friend, I remained in a toxic friendship with him because I was attached to the need not fail. If I gave up on our friendship, it was in my mind a sign that I was not the good person I thought I was, giving up in him,was going to let him walk away believing that I was the bad guy, and I AM NOT THE BAD GUY. Don't get me wrong here, he is not the bad guy either. I was attached to the expectation that I would be successful at redeeming our relationship.

The problem is that it didn't work that way. He was determined to have his expected outcome (whatever that may be) and because both of us was attached to our idea of how things should be, we both suffered.

A mutual friend told me that my attachment to my ex-friend was unhealthy and I had needed to let him go along time ago, but clearly mutual friend missed the boat. I had let go of the friend many, many months ago. I hadn't shared stories, thoughts or feelings with him in probably 8 months. I hadn't felt any desire to hang out with him or listen to him talk a out his problems for about as long. When I needed someone to bounce ideas off or vent to, he was not the first, second or even fifth person I thought to call. I had let go of him, what I hadn't let go of was my attachment to the expectation that we could be friends again.

I still haven't let go of that expectation, I am still attached to the idea that we can put the past behind us and be friends again. But the truth is that I don't want to be his friend. I won't put the past behind us and I won't lower my defenses because I don't trust him, and without trust there is no relationship. No that's not true, you can have a relationship where one half doesn't trust the other, but I am pretty sure he doesn't trust me either (rightly so) and when both sides lack trust there is no way to rebuild. Someone has to be willing to rebuild the trust, and in our case neither of us is.

It doesn't matter who was first to cause the problem, it doesn't matter what started the downward spiral of our relationship. I ended it. I realized that I had no interest in what he was willing to give and I was unwilling to give him what he said he wanted to give me more.

So, the question is, do I feel better now? Have I ended the suffering? And the answer is no. I am sad, and I am feeling a little lonely because it isn't like I have a ton of friends. I am sitting at home alone feeling like I have failed and i am debating sending a text or email and saying that I am willing to out the past behind, let's try one more time.

Only, I don't want what he has become with me as a friend (and I am pretty sure that he doesn't want what I have become with him as his friend), what I want, is to not feel like I failed at being a friend.

The suffering will end, when I release my attachment to the desire to feel like I am a good friend. Now...to figure out how to do that. Perhaps it is time to break out the fire.