Loving the Idea

My mother had a huge collection of smutty romance novels that my sisters and I were not allowed to read until we were, what? 16 I think. I know I broke into them a little before that I learned what I thought was a good deal about romance from them. Interestingly I discovered that what my mother called smut, was extremely tame in comparison to what exists out there, but that is a different blog post.

In the world of romance novel and fairy tale, the female lead always falls for the perfect guy. Oh, he always has some surface flaw that has to be overcome, but it was always just him feeling misunderstood, or needing a woman's touch to "fix" it for him. In the end, he was always just perfect and they lived happily ever after.

What a disappointment to find out in life that it doesn't really work that way. The boys you meet have more than just surface problems, and things don't just get all better as soon as you admit your love and kiss. Love is hard.

There are times when I take J for granted. Times I am hurt or angry and let him have it. There are times when he does the same to me. We don't always agree, don't always see eye to eye and don't always understand each other. Sometimes, I find it very hard to be okay with that. A part of me still imagines that out there somewhere is Mr. Perfect. That part of me is the dreamy, fanciful, still 12 years old part. Most of me knows that no matter how handsome, no prince is perfect.

Today, I was watching a TV show when the main character, Neal! called the wife of his partner, Elizabeth, to say goodbye. Neal asks, "how did you and Peter know? How did you know that he was the one?" Elizabeth responds, "I think it is the difference between loving the person and loving the idea of them. I loved him." Neal says goodbye and hangs up.

I thought this was a very powerful statement. Something that I suspect happens more often than not. How many times have I created an image of someone in my head? How many times have I told myself that I understand what someone is thinking or feeling because I have an image of who and what they are stuck in my head? How many times have I been wrong because that image is not even a reflection of the truth?

As I mentioned earlier, I had to release my hold on a friendship. That friend and I have a mutual friend that has spent days now trying to tell me that I have made a mistake and I need to reconsider. She just will not stop talking about it. In part that is because she thinks she knows me and she thinks she knows T and so she has an idea in her head of what our relationship was like. I decided that I was going to get no peace from her until I explained, so I did. I sent her a long email which explained as much as I could without slamming T and without boosting me. I explained that this was not some rash decision that it was long and thought out and should not have come as a surprise to T as he and I have talked about all these things.

When she read my email, she said she got it and she was sorry for thinking that it was a rash decision made out of anger. I think that many times, the fantasy we have in our heads is a hard thing of which to let go.

Sometimes, there is nothing beneath the image. We love the idea, but the actual person just isn't right for us. It happens in friendships, marriages, even families. I know that I have had ideas of people that made them seem so wonderful and then when the rose colored glasses were removed, I found out that I didn't like them much at all. Oh, the heartbreak.

Sometimes though, when I put aside the love of the idea and really see the person, I find that I love them so much more deeply than I ever thought possible. Sometimes, I find that the idea is only a pale imitation of who they are. Oh, don't get me wrong, the real version and I might still have some serious problems because they don't see from my perspective and we don't always agree, but damn if the parts of them that are perfect are even more perfect than I ever thought possible.

So how do I know if I love them and not the idea of them? For me, it comes down to this. In the moment something happens and I need help, if they are in the first few people I think to call, then I love them. If they are the people I want to share good news with, then I love them. If I want to listen to their pointless stories and ask them questions to understand more, then I love them.

If I get disappointed because they aren't paying attention to me, or hurt because they didn't read my mind, then I love the idea of them. If I find myself hurt because they aren't interested in talking to me about what is happening in my life, them I love the idea of them. If I find myself not really caring how their day was, but wanting them to care about mine, then I love the idea of them.

I think most relationships have a mixture of both, love of them and love of the idea. I think though that for me anyway, it is a matter if which I love more that decides if that person is worth the time for a relationship of some kind.

I think that we are often taught to love the idea...at least if you are female. I hope that I have moved past that now. I hope that I give my friends, my family, my love the opportunity to be themselves and to discover if they are good fits for me because I love them, not just the idea of them.

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