Be the perfect partner

The couple I had the honor to marry last week chose to have a piece of advice read about how to maintain a good marriage. The advice consisted of many little bits of advice including the need for moments of affection, gratitude, loving the imperfections and ended with the reminder that it is not finding the perfect partner that makes for an ideal marriage, it is being the perfect partner.

As I was looking at the couple and speaking these words of advice, the real depth of those words came rushing toward me. The success of any relationship depends on being the perfect partner.

For a relationship between boss and employee to be successful, the boss cannot only expect the employee to be an ideal worker, the boss must also be the ideal boss. When a boss expects too much, asks too much or is tyrannical, the employee, not matter how good will eventually leave. By that same token, the employee cannot expect to keep his job long, if he is expecting his boss to be ideal, while he is failing to do his work or whatnot.

This same kind of need to be the perfect partner holds true for any relationship between two people.

When I was suffering from a really deep depression a few years ago, I expected J to be ideal. I blamed him for the problems that were coming up in our marriage. I told myself that saving our marriage and making me feel good about myself and my life could be remedied by him changing. All he had to do was ___________ (fill in the blank). It was always something different, always something that was his fault. When I finally reached rock bottom, what I discovered was that there was absolutely nothing he could have done to save our marriage. I wasn't miserable because he was doing something wrong. I was miserable because I was living a life that was divergent from who I knew myself to be.

Honestly I am surprised that J stayed by me as long and as faithfully as he did. I put him through a lot of pain and for that I am very sorry and grateful that he stood by me through some really rough times.

What I realized in my dark night of the soul, was that I couldn't be the perfect partner as long as I was trying to be someone that was not me. As I lived a life trying to fulfill the expectations I felt others had for me, I was failing as a wife, a friend, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an employee. I was trying to fill the role of perfect, wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend; not based on being the perfect me, but by trying to live up to the expectations of society and my perceptions of what others wanted. I don't know about anyone else, but I could only live a life that wasn't true to me for so long. After that I became a miserable shell of myself.

I am not perfect, I still fail at being the perfect partner sometimes. Insecurity will forever haunt me and turn up for the occasional cup of tea and a chat, but as I find myself living more fully in the truth of who I am, I find that being the perfect partner is much easier. I am not wasting precious energy trying to keep up appearances, I am not building resentment about failing to live up to expectations. I am finding joy in who I am.

The relationship with my children is better because while I might be busier now than I ever was working a 8-5, the times we do interact are filled with love and joy, not with snappy anger and frustration. The relationship with my parents is better because I am free to see the support that they have for the path I have chosen, rather than feeling like a failure because I cannot live up to expectations that I perceived. The relationship with my sisters is less competitive and defensive because I have no desire to establish a rank, I am free to be okay with how things go. I am a better friend because I don't need constant reassurance and support, I need my friends as sounding boards and to share with, but I don't need them to build me up, there is no pressure, we are free to come and go as we both need. I am a better employee because I know what I want and what I need and I can ask for it. I am a better wife because I am aware of what I need and can freely give those things being asked of me.

Being the perfect partner is not about living up to perceived expectations, it is about becoming comfortable with being you. Being the perfect partner is not about being able to hold the perfect conversation or being interested in the same topics. Being the perfect partner is about knowing yourself well enough that you don't project your insecurity and hostility into your partner, it is being comfortable with the fact that sometimes your partner will just know more than you on a subject and that doesn't mean you are less worthy. Being the perfect partner is not about having to agree on every opinion, it is about letting your partner have their opinion and being okay with the fact that maybe they have some valid points to back up their opinion, and knowing that it doesn't mean you have to change yours. Being the perfect partner is not about doing something for your partner, it is about being true to you so that you don't hold resentment toward your partner.

Of course being the perfect partner has to go both ways or it doesn't work. Both people have to strive toward being the perfect partner or the relationship fails. One member of the relationship cannot strive toward being the perfect partner and have the other member of the relationship demand perfection while they justify being less than the perfect partner.

Had I not taken the steps to heal my own hurts, I think that J and I would have failed. We had reached the breaking point, and it was necessary that we go our separate ways or I decide to make the effort to strive toward being the perfect partner myself. I am constantly amazed at how stable J had been through my depression.

So I leave you with this thought...look at your relationships, take off the blinders and put aside the excuses, have you tried to be the perfect partner in a way that builds resentment, or by being comfortable with you? Have you been the perfect partner? What can you do to move toward being a more perfect partner?


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