Letting go

Only 2 people have ever caused me so much pain that letting them go was hard to do.  The pain wasn't from what they did, but from what they didn't do.

You see, I don't usually feel like I belong.  I don't usually feel like I fit.  I can pretend for a while.  I can almost fit, but usually, I don't really.

It is rare for me to find someone with whom I can feel completely comfortable being me.  When I do, I hate to lose it.  Most of the time, I was never really comfortable.

Twice it has happened.  Twice I have opened myself up to the possibility that maybe I could really be honestly me.  And twice I have been proven wrong in devastating ways. 

And what makes it so hard, isn't the realization that I am not really accepted for me, that I can live with.  It is the fact that once the anger begins, once the reality of my failings hits everything that came before just disappears.  And for me...that's what sucks. 

What sucks is that I was totally wrong about it all.  It is hard to no longer feel loved.