Forgiveness

A while back a friend of mine posted a link to an article on Facebook that talked about forgiveness and asked if it was really necessary.  And I have to say that brought up a lot of thoughts for me.  So I looked up the definition of forgive.  This is what I found on dictionary.com

for·give

verb (used with object)

1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.

2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).

3. to grant pardon to (a person).

4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.

5. to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.

 

verb (used without object)

6. to pardon an offense or an offender.

 

The article, which was an interview with Emily Yoffe, begins by discussing how many psychoanalysts these days are pushing for people to forgive their abusers and Ms. Yoffe says that in her opinion sometimes that is more painful than helpful.

 

As I read the article (which I cannot find at the moment, but you can listen to it here if you like), I was struck by the fact that I think that the word forgive has become an alternative word for reconciliation.

 

Look at the definition above, there is nothing in the definition of forgive that says that I have to allow the person who hurt me back into my life.  Nothing that says anything about trusting them not to do it again.  Forgiving is about absolution, pardoning, giving up the feeling of resentment.  It is about releasing the hurt that comes with continuing to hold on to the pain.  Reconciliation is something else entirely.

 

I believe that forgiveness is absolutely necessary for living a happy and centered life.  I don't believe that reconciliation is necessary.  These are two different things for me, and I kind of hate that when people talk about forgiveness, they seem to associate it with reconciliation.

 

The Buddha says, 

When you forgive me for harming you, you decide not to retaliate, to seek no revenge. You don’t have to like me. You simply unburden yourself of the weight of resentment and cut the cycle of retribution that would otherwise keep us ensnarled in an ugly samsaric wrestling match. This is a gift you can give us both, totally on your own, without my having to know or understand what you’ve done.

 This is of course about forgiving others.  I don't have to confront someone who has been abusive to me to forgive them.  I don't have to even like the person who has hurt me.  I can just let go of the pain.  I no longer need attachment to it and thus don't have to spend time in the cycle of life thinking about it over and over again.

As I was going through my life with my therapist and really thinking about and examining all the belief systems I had developed about myself and the world around me, I began the process of forgiving a lot of past hurts.  Ones that really didn't need to be brought up and rehashed, ones that didn't need to be addressed with the people involved.  I could forgive those past hurts and no one needed to be the wiser.   And honestly I felt better.

As I was looking for Bible passages about Jesus thoughts on forgiveness, I kept running across one in Luke (17:3-4):

Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him. And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him.

This advice from Jesus says 1.  rebuke.  2.  if he repents forgive him.  The quotes I kept encountering from the Bible all had to do with forgiveness after repentance.

I am disturbed by this.  I don't like this.  Sometimes, staying away from the abuser is necessary, yet the Bible is constantly talking about loving thy enemy and forgiveness as though it is required.  I will have to do more looking than just the cursory look of this morning to really get a feel, but forgiveness is one area where I feel that Buddha was on the money.

And I think perhaps Jesus, was looking at reconciliation.  To reconcile the Buddha says:

Reconciliation — patisaraniya-kamma — means a return to amicability, and that requires more than forgiveness. It requires the reestablishing of trust. If I deny responsibility for my actions, or maintain that I did no wrong, there’s no way we can be reconciled. Similarly, if I insist that your feelings don’t matter, or that you have no right to hold me to your standards of right and wrong, you won’t trust me not to hurt you again. To regain your trust, I have to show my respect for you and for our mutual standards of what is and is not acceptable behavior; to admit that I hurt you and that I was wrong to do so; and to promise to exercise restraint in the future. At the same time, you have to inspire my trust, too, in the respectful way you conduct the process of reconciliation. Only then can our friendship regain a solid footing.

Reconciliation is about trust.  I can forgive you without you having to admit to wrong doing.  I can let go of the hurt and anger and frustration and not carry around the hurt without having to trust you.  But we cannot have a relationship without admission of guilt and repentance.

I do think that forgiveness is necessary for healing.  I do not think that one must reconcile with all those who have hurt them to live a healthy and happy life.

Of course, the most important person to forgive is very often yourself (at least for the constantly insecure) and unfortunately healing that relationship must involve reconciliation as well.  Or perhaps that is an extremely fortunate thing.